Let’s Talk About Bottom Shame

Bottom Shame is a toxic sludge of internalized homophobia, misogyny, racism & medical negligence.

These are the results & observations of a community discussion on Instagram moderated by Leo Herrera on Pride of 2022. Not meant to replace medical or therapist advice. This post appeared on HerreraImages on IG & free to all subscribers of Herrera Words. You may support this work by sharing and becoming a paid member on Substack.

LET’S TALK ABOUT BOTTOM SHAME

Bottom Shame may be hard to define but most of us feel its effects. So much Gay identity is linked to the construct of Top or Bottom: our humor, sex, romance and economy. The labels are convenient, even a source of pride, but they can also be an antiquated binary and poisonous feedback loop.

Like other Queer trauma, it’s a combination of growing up at war with our bodies in a world which told us we were disgusting, the fear of being “less than a man” and capitalism which profits from those insecurities. It’s a contradictory, self-inflicted community wound: we joke there’s too many bottoms and not enough tops then we fear being “labeled” a bottom, not by straight people but by our friends.

Bottom shame is a toxic sludge of internalized homophobia, misogyny, racism and medical negligence.

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BOTTOM SHAME IS:

BIODETERMINISM

We expect folks who look a certain way and have certain body parts to fit into a role in the Top/Bottom binary. “What a waste” we say when a big muscular man desires to bottom. We comment on penis size in ways we wouldn’t any other body part and anything other than anal isn’t “real sex.”

SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE RACISM

Brown and Black Gays are openly expected to be a “top stud” while Asian Gays are “supposed” to be passive. These racist tropes of sex date back to slavery. Any desire from these groups to break expectation causes friction, invites ridicule and takes a toll on all of us.

MISOGYNY

The hetero fear of being “the woman” during sex affects all letters of the LGBTQ. Routinely telling ourselves a bottom is the weaker position and a top must be more powerful and dominant is the patriarchy in motion.

A RELIC OF AIDS

During the 1980s, the field of dance changed. Male choreography became more rigid and “masculine” because fluid, effeminate dancing was related to being a bottom and therefore to disease. If AIDS changed the way we danced, imagine what it did to how we fucked. There are a billion examples of how these links to disease still warp our view of sex.

AGEIST

Men over a certain (and arbitrary) age are expected to fit the “Top Daddy” archetype. This can leave older generations out of sexual exploration, ironically when many have healed or at least recognized their bottom shame.

A COMMUNITY HEALTH ISSUE

Too many of us lack the proper health information and experience homophobic healthcare. Anal damage from assault, injury and STIs goes untreated because of embarrassment. We make “bottom diets” permanent without medical supervision and normalize starving ourselves before sex. This shame causes many of us to be unhappy, malnutritioned and with full-blown eating disorders.

EXPLOITED FOR RAINBOW CAPITALISM

Shame is an industry to sell “Bottom Friendly Menus,” supplements to be “pure,” anal bleaching and anal botox. The time-tested ad tactics of body purity: We will not be loved if our bodies smell and function. This sold antiperspirant in the 1950s, female douching for “not so fresh” vaginas in the 70s and fumigated us with Axe body spray in the 90s.

We ignore this history at our peril. There’s well-documented health and self-image hazards from these campaigns: talcum-related cancers from feminine hygiene products, bowel movement issues from enema overuse, etc.

We are selling out trauma back to future generations. What’s next? “Bottom Friendly?” Hershey kisses? A Shitty Kitty Pride aisle at Walgreens?

A SEPARATION FROM OUR BODIES

There’s a difference between hygienic self-care and unnatural, unattainable, punishable anal cleanliness. Are we so afraid of the faintest odors and secretions during sex that we put our health, dignity and pleasure on the line? This puritanical, colonial separation dates back to Kellogg’s (yes the cereal guy) 1800s circumcision campaign for “cleanliness” and chastity.

The cliché of bottoms eating ice separates responsibility and kills spontaneity. They must always “be prepared,” change diet, wait hours for the water to “run clear.” Tops can clutch their pearls at “accidents” instead of learning to see them as a chance for maturity, chivalry and getting a warm towel.

Our forefathers had to fuck in parks and bathrooms, risking arrest and worse for our sexual liberation. If we can’t own our bodies, what did they fight for?

THE QUANTUM PHYSICS OF TRAUMA

Bottom shame is so difficult to address and heal because it can be in so many places simultaneously. It plays with time: our past trauma colliding with the future of our sexual expectations. It can be shorthand for our biggest issues, our racism, misogyny, self-hate, their result and the cause. It’s the tip of the iceberg and the very base.

OURS TO CURE

We are in an enlightenment and major culture shift. The term “side” (A person who doesn’t engage in anal sex) is now an option on apps and a Gay household word. We’re more aware of how stifling a focus on penetrative sex can be on romance and self-worth. The non in nonbinary includes Top/Bottom too.

Queer are phenomenal at self-treating our wounds through sunlight, humor, affection and information. Only in our community could a dildo unlock shame and that’s the kind of Pride that can’t be sold.

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