Bathhouse 101

A Guide for First-Timers

Part of the Analog Sex Series, exploring sex outside of our phones. Top 10 Bathhouse List & Podcast for paid subscribers.

The first time I saw myself as a “man” was in a bathhouse. It happened in the showers of Eros in 2004. Eros had the best shower heads in all of San Francisco. The pressure on these babies could take the knots off your back. On those frigid summer nights, I’d book it to the Castro. I had just moved to the Bay Area from Phoenix, where Gay spaces were rare and tucked away. Eros had a proud awning that let everyone know what you were walking into. It was also across the Safeway in Tales of the City. I felt so cosmopolitan. A sweet, cocky bear worked the counter. They had a smirk that made me blush. They were the proud editor of Cubby, an FTM porn zine piled at the entrance next to the fag rags. Eros was cozy. It had a carpeted locker room, a small but crucial steam room, an upstairs playroom with leather beds and TVs that showed porn shot in the very same bathhouse. It was spotless, but the disinfectant couldn’t hide the faint mildew of the carpet. Even if the place was empty, it was worth the price to shower until my fingers pruned, until that June fog melted away. I was scrawny and that cold ocean air got in my bones.

It was a tiny moment, alone in the showers after the bars closed. Late at night Eros could feel supernatural, with a Kubrick silence. These spaces still carried so much stigma from AIDS. Often I was the youngest or only person there. As I walked out toward the lockers, under my wet eyelashes, I saw a man charging towards me, arms stretched, posed for an ambush. His body was lithe and alert, stoic and simian. It took an entire second to realize it was the full-length mirror behind the plume of steam. I’d never seen myself hold my body like this, not in photos or in home movies. In the outside world, I hunched over and shrunk in front of other boys. I was so self-conscious I couldn’t grow muscles or chest hair. But when I was in here, I carried myself differently. I felt relaxed, patient, grown. That night, I finally understood the confidence of the bear at the front. This was confidence of safety. 

Technically Eros wasn’t a bathhouse, those were still banned. For legal purposes, Eros was a sauna. A bathhouse was defined as having rooms with locks. During the AIDS crisis, health departments didn’t trust men to practice safe sex. Bathhouses were shuttered or locks were prohibited so staff could make sure condoms were used (usually by going into rooms with a flashlight). The flashlights eventually went away, but the rule over the locks would not be challenged in San Francisco until 2020. Like so many other bathhouses, Eros closed during our second pandemic COVID (it’s now a sex club in the Tenderloin). It will always be one of the places I transitioned from boyhood to adult. I don’t remember if I had sex that night, but my reflection is seared in my mind. It would take me years to understand that I hadn’t seen a secret, extra version of myself, but the real one. There’s nothing Gay men love more than seeing ourselves for the first time. 

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A First-Timer’s Guide to a Bathhouse

1. Pick the right time for you. It’s OK to be nervous! A place where you have to be naked and “perform” can be intimidating. If you’re introverted, go when it’s chill to familiarize yourself. If you’re a “deep end” kinda Queer, pick a holiday like Pride. Each time of the week and day has its own vibe. For example, weekday afternoons and early evenings are usually for an older crowd relaxing after work. Sundays for a mix of folks self-caring before the week or partiers recovering from the weekend. Long holiday weekends are great to meet out-of-towners. Really, really late at night or early mornings on weekends can be the tweaker witching hour. Check on early bird specials, age discounts or 2-4-1 days. Some even have BBQs! During a long layover in Fort Lauderdale, I got a room at a bathhouse. It was 1/3 the price of a hotel and tanned daddies served fried chicken by the pool! 

2. Checking In. Places may charge a single cover or a cover plus a membership. Generally $20-50. You’ll get a key or lock for your locker, or a digital wristband. They may store your ID, phone and valuables at the front. Private rooms can be first come, first served or paid by the hour. Some may give or rent flip flops and towels. If they sell beverages or food, generally you pay on your way out.

3. Bring a small bag or fanny pack. You’ll most likely be in a towel so carry your sex gear like lube in a small, light bag that can get wet. Usually a bad idea to carry phone and valuables!

4. It’s OK to bring a friend! Bathhouses are for socializing as much as sex. Bring a buddy and explore the amenities together, catch up in the steam room or hot tub. The general no-talking rule of other cruising spaces is not as strict in a bathhouse. Keep the volume at a library decibel. Though, if an orgy breaks out in the steam room, maybe keep your opinions on Ariana Grande’s new single to yourself for a minute. 

5. Don’t be real fucked up. Stumbling around like you’re gonna break your skull on tiles is not hot. Remember the heat of a steam room or hot tub drops our blood pressure and multiplies the effects of downers like G, K and booze. This can also increase the dangers of mixing erectile medications and poppers. Public spaces with private rooms may invite heavy drug use so really messed up folks can unfortunately be part of the experience. During International Leather Weekend in Chicago’s biggest bathhouse, I saw a queen who hadn’t slept or eaten for 3 days and it was…not pretty. Avoid being that person and be careful taking drinks or drugs from strangers.  

6. Implied Consent. In cruising spaces like bathhouses, touch is part of the language of consent. The intimacy of the touch varies on the person, moment and physical space you’re in. Touching in the common areas like a locker room, hot tub and sauna usually requires more initial verbal signs (a simple “hi” is good). Steam rooms, sex mazes and private rooms lean toward the non-verbal. You may make eye contact and play with yourself as your first move. You may also reach out, stroke someone’s arm or the small of their back. Eye contact is crucial to gauge interest. To reject someone, tapping their arm away or a polite “no thank you” should be enough. The goal is always for everyone to feel respected and welcome. And any bathhouse or crowd that does not make elders and Trans folks feel welcome aren’t worth the lot they stand on. Note: “being welcome” doesn’t necessarily mean getting laid. It means safe from harassment and being able to use all the facilities in peace. We are all responsible for the respect of implied consent, even if we don’t want to fuck each other. 

7. When a room is open. If someone is in a room and their door is open, the invitation will be mostly non-verbal. Stand at the doorway for a moment and hold eye contact. Wait for their invitation or rejection: a soft nod for a yes or a light head-shake for a no. You may both touch/stroke yourselves and if they hold eye contact and keep going, that may also be an invite. Or they may just flip over for you to get to work!

8. Do not take rejection as a reflection on you! If you get a no, just nod courteously and leave their space. Remember you don't know what they’re looking for. They may just be a voyeur or exhibitionist or biding their time. It may also mean “not right this minute.” They may find you later. A bathhouse is a vulnerable space so make sure you’re in a healthy mood going in. At a Mid-Atlantic Leather in DC, I went to a bathhouse too soon after a brutal breakup and a Daddy had to carry me out of the steam room because I started crying so hard. I was also very drunk, hence rule #5.

9. Don’t wait for Prince Charming. A bathhouse is about patience but don’t spend all night waiting for the “ideal man.” Experiment and try new archetypes! As the drag queen Meatball says, “You’re at the buffet, don’t just wait around for the crab legs.” It was in a bathhouse that I discovered I was a chubby chaser. A Rubenesque man, surprised at my lust, asked me if I was “partying or just a wild child.” If we’d been out at a bar, it would have probably not occurred to us to go home together. We were both grateful for my discovery that Tuesday afternoon! 

10. Value them even if you don’t go. Bathhouses have been havens from violence and the cops for generations. They were invaluable for community outreach on AIDS (which made their shutterings all the more tragic). They’ve educated us on safe sex, rang the alarm on meningitis, syphilis and Mpox outbreaks, even administered the vaccines! They foster community outside of the bars and can even be places for art. My very first photo show was at Eros, shortly after my first visit. It was the only space which would exhibit my porn images, hanging them in the lobby. I watched all my friends come into the space for their first time during the opening reception. As they curiously scoped out the place I had spent so much time in, seen ghosts and myself in, I felt like I had welcomed them into my own living room. I understood why so many before me had considered it a home.

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The Herrera Brothers’ Top 10 Bathhouses (paid subscribers)

The original Eros in San Francisco’s Castro. Eros moved to the Tenderloin.

My brother Allán and I share a love of bathhouses. We always check out the local spot when we travel. This is a partial list of our most memorable places around the world.